I haven't been this sober since birth.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
