Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
