You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
