for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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