I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
