The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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