There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
