i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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