You're my little dorito
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
