We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
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It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
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next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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