non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
