My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
