If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
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I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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