I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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