i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
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No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
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I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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