One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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