I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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