Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
