I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She told me I should be a condom model.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
