you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
