I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
As shirtless as possible
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
