just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Are we still banned from the library?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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