So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
