i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
