on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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