he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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