Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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