I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
