you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
