i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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