It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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