Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize