Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
