I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
