a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
