I think my fart just growled at me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
