i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
