This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
