nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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