my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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