I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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