I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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