You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
two words...techno handjob
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
