I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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