The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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