just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
