FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
