I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
