Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
