You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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