The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I smell stomach acid.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
