So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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