I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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