I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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