Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
