3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
