There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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