I wish I could teleport
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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