Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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