I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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