you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
