I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
