It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
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couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
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I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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